Letter to the Universe

"In a world that seeks connection, we oddly avoid eye contact, we time our responses in order to protect ourselves from seeming too eager or too interested, and we hold our feelings back because we don't want to seem overly emotional or unreasonable. We silence our instincts, and at the end of the day instead of feeling good about ourselves, we feel alone, we feel misunderstood."

The silence of life is deafening. 

This MCO is not only uneventful, it has been testing me in many ways. 

At least if I have a proper life to lead in the outside world, half of my concerns wouldn't even exist. 

Or at least, I wouldn't be aware of them. 

I'm insecure -- there, I said it. I am SUPER insecure about every little thing.

Almost every second / every minute when I feel this, I tell myself to be ignorant, not to care about how I feel, I tell myself I am overthinking.

But in fact, I just want closure, I want to know why I'm feeling this way, I want to have some clarity on all my doubts that are pulsing through my mind. 

But I just don't know how. 

In the past, when I try to embrace how I feel, I end up getting hurt myself.

What should I do? 

I would never get an answer. I've come to terms with the fact that every action of mine is based on my own decision.

Though I mostly regret it, every time I decide to be heroic and embrace my emotions, I only end up in tears, every fcking time. 

What then should I do? 

Sweep my feelings under the carpet? Try to act like my heart is made of steel? 

Not everyone can contain such heaviness. I'm the worst person to do that. 

But I'm trying my best. I have never concealed so much ever. 

This page, oh god, I really just swear no one is here. 

I asked myself if I want to embrace my emotions and come to terms with what I'm feeling? OR just run away from all of these "usual" and start anew? 

I choose the latter. A hundred times, I will choose to run away from all of these.

No insecurities, no curiousity, no questions, no doubts, no ignorance, just pure happiness. 

Then again, running away would take someone who has courage, I have none. 

If I can't even deal with my inner conflicts, how can I embrace something new? 

I want to be transparent, I want to lay all the cards on the table. Even if it means hurting each other. 

But one hand don't clap. I can only use this one hand of mine to slap myself and wake up from this anguish. 

Eventually, when I try to conceal everything, sweep everything under the carpet, I will have to lift that carpet up and face the mess one day.

Maybe not today, maybe today I choose to laugh and try to be happy.

But one fine day, one fine fcking day, I will have to deal with it and get myself hurt again. 

LIFE SUCKS FOR ME. 

You can say I have psychological issues, or if I fake happy very well, but this is the truth. 

What do you do when you can't get closure and its slowly eating you up? 

Today I'm fine with it. Tonight, I will just sleep on all my doubts, but what about tomorrow? And the day after? What then am I going to do about all of it? 

I just need closure. I just want to clear my doubts because they are all slowly eating me up.

I have issues, I know that.

Sigh. Why do I keep coming here whenever I don't know what to do?