thoughts, again

Being an adult means you have to do most things on your own. Earn your own money, take care of your health, your happiness and even your own home. With these much responsibility, I can’t help but lose focus on the things that are important in my life. 

Everyone is growing old at the same time, but everyone age differently in their own ways. I am honestly tired. Of trying to keep my life together, or even the lives of others around me. Sometimes I focus too much on everything else but myself, I forgot to ask myself if I’m doing okay. Then when one failure or disappointment comes around, I fcking hate myself for it. Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I ever speak up about how I’m feeling to anyone. 

Communications are so difficult. With emotions and sensitivity getting in the way, it only make people drift farther away. I miss those carefree days where I can just speak up whenever I want, ask questions whenever I’m curious, or be happy without even questioning if I’m allowed to. But now, the cold hard truth is that staying silent is the safest option. Even towards people who are the closest to me. For the fear of disappointment, anger and unhappiness of others prevails over the need to have a voice of expression. It all piles up unsteadily until I feel like crumbling along with all of it. It is when I realised how much I’ve missed out on every other things,  I regret - I want to move on. But I’m stuck in this whole loop again and again. 

Don’t we all just want to get a new life, run away and start everything afresh? I don’t know what to do. I’m just silenced again and again. Keeping my thoughts to myself, my feelings to myself. Is there anyone out there that’s truly concern about another.