It has been 8 months.
I stopped posting, for the fear of being judged, for the fear that whatever I write here will bring repercussions.
This is my safe space, this is my head space.
I hope no one is here, because sometimes only you understand you.
We all have our hiccups in life. Keeping everything in the physical organs called the brain and the heart will only result in self-harm.
I am not happy.
If you asked me, at this point of time, am I happy? My answer is no.
Despite all I've got, why am I not happy? Am I just a selfish person who keeps wanting more?
I used to be so easily satisfied with the simplest thing.
I can't tell anyone I'm not happy. I'm just stuck with my own thoughts all the time.
Every single thing that goes wrong, has everything to do with me.
It has always been my fault, my lacking, my ignorance, my everything.
When will I not be at fault at anything?
People let things go easily, the problem with me is that nothing ever leaves my head, especially the negative ones.
Being treated like I'm never good enough, having to deal with people I thought were family turning their backs against me and judging me because of the choices I make, constantly being reminded that everything is my fault and always having to apologise for matters which I should not.
I used to not back down in fights, I used to speak my mind, I would have clarified whenever I felt the need to.
But right now, everything is just as it seems. I just deal with whatever comes and just apologise, or take the blame for everything.
Because tbh, there is no more fight left in me.
Is it worth it? Being hurt further only to prove a point in an argument?
I'm tired, I'm weak. Call me a quitter or a coward, but to me its no longer worth it.
Even if I let people bully me, it's because of all the circumstances that led me to today.
All the undermining, all the ill-treatments, the scoldings, the rude words being thrown at me, etc.
I just don't want to fight, because I will lose every single time.
I hope no one is here. Please.
Just let me be, let me say what I want.
Most importantly, don't ask me if I'm okay or why did I say all of the stuff above.
Just let me be. Understand me, that's the most you can do for me.
Pretend you're not here. Take my smile as a sign that I'm dealing with everything okay.
If you asked me, at this point of time, am I happy? My answer is no.
Despite all I've got, why am I not happy? Am I just a selfish person who keeps wanting more?
I used to be so easily satisfied with the simplest thing.
I can't tell anyone I'm not happy. I'm just stuck with my own thoughts all the time.
Every single thing that goes wrong, has everything to do with me.
It has always been my fault, my lacking, my ignorance, my everything.
When will I not be at fault at anything?
People let things go easily, the problem with me is that nothing ever leaves my head, especially the negative ones.
Being treated like I'm never good enough, having to deal with people I thought were family turning their backs against me and judging me because of the choices I make, constantly being reminded that everything is my fault and always having to apologise for matters which I should not.
I used to not back down in fights, I used to speak my mind, I would have clarified whenever I felt the need to.
But right now, everything is just as it seems. I just deal with whatever comes and just apologise, or take the blame for everything.
Because tbh, there is no more fight left in me.
Is it worth it? Being hurt further only to prove a point in an argument?
I'm tired, I'm weak. Call me a quitter or a coward, but to me its no longer worth it.
Even if I let people bully me, it's because of all the circumstances that led me to today.
All the undermining, all the ill-treatments, the scoldings, the rude words being thrown at me, etc.
I just don't want to fight, because I will lose every single time.
I hope no one is here. Please.
Just let me be, let me say what I want.
Most importantly, don't ask me if I'm okay or why did I say all of the stuff above.
Just let me be. Understand me, that's the most you can do for me.
Pretend you're not here. Take my smile as a sign that I'm dealing with everything okay.
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