undeserved

Am I allowed to pursue happiness and hold on to the good?

I always wonder why we have to go through his whole process of trauma, shame, loss and bad experiences.

Anything I perceive as positive about anything couldn't be real.

Any improvements or attempt to improve myself, will inevitably be taken away or must be balanced by sliding backward in some other way.

I do not trust myself. Every improvements seem even more remote every passing minute.

I don't deserve to have anything good in my life and I know I am the only one to be blamed for.

Its the unintentional self-sabotage whenever I mess something up no matter how badly I don't want to.

Sometimes, the universe just doesn't work in your favour. You tell yourself, I will do better, I will try better. But to no avail, I just feel undeserving; I'm not allowed to have it. No matter what it is.

This vicious cycle of feeling undeserving compels to deep-rooted self-loathing.

I don't even deserve to sit back and have a break for always failing to achieve expectations I should have achieved up to this point.

Then the doubts surface at every single thing you do, you lose your drive to survive and fight on, you just slowly lose part of yourself, slowly and surely.