this is hard

I've had many setbacks in life, probably more than many of the people I know. My life isn't perfect, there are some things I should and should not be doing to make it better. 

Why can’t I choose to be happy? I woke up this morning feeling like an empty vessel, looking for a sign to make me smile, but I just can’t find any, worst is feeling like there’s nothing to look forward to, only looking back to happier times and what could’ve been. Just forcefully getting pushed into the system of the 9-5 regime living this fucked up life we call reality. If every single day I’m gonna feel like this, I rather don’t live. 

What is the meaning of life? Of trying to be happy when we can’t get what we want. We still feel alone although we have someone. Have I been searching for happiness in the wrong places all these while. Is it in the form of a person, a book, a song, or is it just myself?

I’m really trying to be tough on my own, but I can only embrace so much. I have this blog, I know you’re always out there reading it and that makes me feel less alone, but what if this will never be enough for me, what if this alone doesn’t stop the tears. Why do I always want more. 

Some things you know its real, but you just can’t tell any single soul in this world. You can’t even share it with that one person because “it’s not the right thing to do”. Now, look back and see what’s “better for me”. We try to please everyone else in this world except for ourselves, denying ourselves against what we want and doing what makes us happy. So I asked myself, is happiness really a choice? Or its just a mere state of mind we force ourselves into. 

How do you ever know for certain that you’re doing the right thing. 

我知道我应该勇敢自己面对每一天。