pain demands to be felt.

It's only 9PM and I already feel like shutting the whole world and go to bed.

The one thing I have always realized is that, no matter how much people know me, I always only choose to show them what I want them to know about me.

Just like my relationship, I only share those happy moments and the sweetest things he would do for me.

It's inevitable, that unlike every other relationship, mine is not always sweet and happy too.

I seldom share with other people about our arguments, about the tears, the heartbreak and the downside of it all.

I realize, when I was not in a relationship previously, I have my friends to always hear me out when I need to rant or just complain about the slightest things that affects me.

But this, this heartbreak and sadness; sometimes they are really too much for me.

I only have him to hear me out at this point of my life. He was like my punching bag, my listening ear, my shoulder to lean on, just everything..

But, what if my sadness was about him?

I really don't have anyone else to tell it to. And it's not that I don't have friends, probably it's just because I don't want to.

I rather let it consume me from within and slowly get over it despite the excruciating emotional pain.

Why am I doing this to myself?

Why do I keep blaming myself in every little argument we get into? I know I'm not perfect and nobody is, but why do I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again?

I have never want to win in any arguments. Yes I'd have to agree, the old me would never want to lose and would never ever give in.

But now, no matter how bad our arguments get, the only thing I really want is for us both to be happy, even if I have to take the blame and shed gallons of tears.

Despite the pain, I just want us to be happy.

And yes, I am a girl and whatever happens in my long and tired boring day, I will always run to him at the end of the day, wanting comfort and attention.

If I'm wrong to do so, then I'm really sorry for putting my needs first before your leisure time.

I'm really sorry I took up too much of your time wanting you to accompany me.

I'm sorry I disrupted your free time when you wanted to do your own thing.

I'm sorry I don't always go over to your place to accompany you as much as you do.

I'm sorry if I made you feel as if I think of myself.

I'm sorry for wanting your attention.

Dear, whoever you are reading this (if any), I am just posting this to let things off my chest.

I can be really happy at times but once in a while, when things like this happen to me, I only have my blog.

I'm really glad you would take your time to read them but no matter how close you are to me, or if you're a total stranger who stumbled upon my blog, I just wish to not know who's reading this.... at least for now.

Even if it's you reading this, please just know that I don't want us to go on like that, I know it's difficult for you, and it hurts me just as much.

I wish we could go back to those times where it was just us both against the world.

Till then,

If only we had the power to control the things we want in life.

p.s  “You can’t turn love on and off like a light switch, no matter how hard you try. All you can do is wall it off, one brick at a time, until you’ve created an impenetrable fortress around your emotions. And once that fortress is built, you camouflage it so well that even you can’t see it anymore." -Katherine Allred